Material Joy/I am What I Consume

How do I become a person, or have a personality when I am what I consume?




When I listen to new music I think about showing it off to my friends, or the way that it fits like a puzzle piece into my patchwork quilt of a music taste, or what I could take from it in order to make my music. It's the same with most media, too.

I can't just enjoy something, and I'm more in love with the idea of consumption than what I'm consuming!

I finally bought the first half of the Devilman manga, which I was overjoyed to find at a cheap-ish price. Lucky me. I wanted it for so long, but... Now I have it it doesn't feel as good as I thought. What is the point in accumulating material possessions when we are just going to move on and start wanting the next thing? And the next, and the next, and the next...

I don't have any particular taste. My entire opinion on music is whatever sounds new, and fresh to me. Must be the same for everything else. Things don't really excite me anymore, I guess it's a side effect of growing up that I'll just have to get used to.

When people ask me what I like I can only say, "I like a bit of everything".

I like the idea of being a fashionable person, I hate buying new clothes.
I want to be an artist, I don't want to make art.
I think of myself as academic, but I don't actually enjoy learning new things.

So who am I? 

Elusive Hope

All of our brains have been crippled by consumerist culture to the point that we cannot hope for more than enough money to live another year and maybe have enough left for an iced latte and a Netflix subscription. 

Our generation being defined by our inability to dream is suddenly a large possibility in my mind.

It isn't that dreaming is difficult, it's that it's entirely out of reach. Why make plans for a future that doesn't exist?
Why dream big when someone else will always be bigger?
Why try when it's already destined that you will fail?

The only thing I have to hope for now, is hope itself. I find myself wishing for nothing except a day when I CAN dream, and move towards those dreams. I feel so powerless in the world, that I can't even control my own life. That isn't even true, but it's how I feel. 
Everything is so depressing, all the time. Maybe it's just that time of year, but I've never had seasonal depression like this. It feels like spring will never come, never ever ever ever. And the fuzzy snow in my mind will never melt away!

Even though I feel like that, I'm going to put all my efforts into just hoping! With every step I take, I'm going to hope it's the right one.
Hopefully one day I'll wake up and I won't feel like I'm scrambling up a mountain. Spring will come, and I'll be wandering through a field of flowers.

Exercise? I thought you said Extra Fries!!! Heh!

I don't exercise as much as I should. It's not a body image thing, or even a strength thing, it's all mental. Because whenever i exercise it lets me forget about all the confusion in my brain, and just focus on that physical pursuit and current moment. For a while I didn't exercise at all, and when I went back to an exercise class yesterday it must've been a shock or something, because I couldn't do it! I made it through about half the class before I suddenly felt really light-headed, faint, cold. And I had to dip out and hide in the bathroom. Something like that never happened to me before. I couldn't help feeling weak, and stupid. I didn't get that glow I usually get after exercise, because I just felt self-hatred.
I'll keep exercising.