digitalalterego

All of our brains have been crippled by consumerist culture to the point that we cannot hope for more than enough money to live another year and maybe have enough left for an iced latte and a Netflix subscription. 

Our generation being defined by our inability to dream is suddenly a large possibility in my mind.

It isn't that dreaming is difficult, it's that it's entirely out of reach. Why make plans for a future that doesn't exist?
Why dream big when someone else will always be bigger?
Why try when it's already destined that you will fail?

The only thing I have to hope for now, is hope itself. I find myself wishing for nothing except a day when I CAN dream, and move towards those dreams. I feel so powerless in the world, that I can't even control my own life. That isn't even true, but it's how I feel. 
Everything is so depressing, all the time. Maybe it's just that time of year, but I've never had seasonal depression like this. It feels like spring will never come, never ever ever ever. And the fuzzy snow in my mind will never melt away!

Even though I feel like that, I'm going to put all my efforts into just hoping! With every step I take, I'm going to hope it's the right one.
Hopefully one day I'll wake up and I won't feel like I'm scrambling up a mountain. Spring will come, and I'll be wandering through a field of flowers.

Why am I hungry all the time?

Okay. Maybe I'm not the best at meeting all my meal-times. Maybe I'm a terrible cook. Maybe I just eat fruit and snacks all day. 
That can't be all it is though, right?

Because even when I've had a large meal, I'm not full. When I think I'm full, it takes me just a few minutes to feel hungry again. It's not my stomach that's empty, it's me. I'm hungry for life, and the way I'm living at the moment just isn't sustaining me.

What do I do all day? 

I waste every day away, and I'm only 18. I'm living like a retiree, all leisure and no work. Sure I study, but all my friends have actual jobs. They have actual responsibilities. My only responsibility is taking care of myself, to pursue happiness, and I struggle to do even that...

I worry often that I'm not a useful member of society, but perhaps that's a totally superficial worry. I think I just hate myself for not even playing a useful role in my own life, I can't even begin to consider my uselessness in a wider context.

I was born to create, but I only consume. Where to go from here? I have my whole life to decide, but that feels threatening rather than comforting.
Because what if this is all there is?
What if I never stop feeling hungry?